It’s been said that praying is like talking to God. And God knows that I used to talk to her a lot.
I used to pray for help in creating a better life for myself, one where I felt more in control – of my emotions, my health, finances and relationships.
Luckily I learnt from a young age about the Law of Attraction so I used to do my best to control things to emulate that which I was calling in. For the most part, it worked.
It was funny though because even though I was calling in new jobs, new situations, new people, the same thing seemed to keep happening to me. Back then, I wasn’t aware of what kind of energy I was giving off along with my praying… I didn’t hear the critical self-talk or recognise the deep anxiety that was controlling me in trying to control everything.
It was funny though because even though I was calling in new jobs, new situations, new people, the same thing seemed to keep happening to me. Back then, I wasn’t aware of what kind of energy I was giving off along with my praying… I didn’t hear the critical self-talk or recognise the deep anxiety that was controlling me in trying to control everything.
As I got older and moved to a new city, I prayed for help in getting better places of employment, a better apartment and a better life. I wanted more for myself than what I had previously attracted and did what I could on the outside to feel better about myself. I thought that if I could just start to model what I thought success looked like then it would start to happen for me. After all, that’s what all of the self help books were telling me would happen.
This quote was one my favourites..
So I worked very hard to ‘change’ how I felt about me, I changed my outside to look like what I thought having your shit together was supposed to look.
I had my wild, curly hair straightened and cut into a stylish, long bob complete with a blunt fringe, I practiced intense yoga 7 days a week, had a sweet South Yarra apartment to myself and ran about 8 kilometres a day to work in my corporate job in the city.
I had loads of friends and a great social life, liked to drink a little bit too much and was looking for love in all the wrong places – which made for good banter with my girlfriends over an extra bottle of wine at dinner. It was fun.
This was living a successful life as single girl in the city, right?
This is me in 2011. I thought I was happy, I look happy don’t I?
The only thing was, that I wasn’t.
For all the fun times, I remember feeling like an outsider, that something was inherently wrong with me. I was looking at other people and at what they had. A bigger apartment, nicer clothes, better stories… They seemed happier and more together than I was and the comparison was getting hungrier every time I did so.
Shopping for external things to fill me up became a regular pass-time. New shoes? Got them. New piece of furniture for my apartment, got that too.
But something was still niggling at me and the shopping and searching for outside stimulants and approval from others didn’t scratch the itch. I remember thinking, if I have everything I want, when will I feel happy?
It was at that moment I realised the reason I felt like something was missing was because I had been hiding from my past. I knew that I was a powerful creator – I had created a range of uncomfortable situations for myself in the past and I was creating an amazing life for myself in that present but I hadn’t managed to create myself happy.
I understood then that the only way forward was to make peace with my past. I cringed at the anticipation of all those awkward moments coming back to the surface…
Within a matter of a few short weeks, I gave notice of my corporate job and jumped into a 200hr Yoga Teacher Training intensive with both feet looking for answers.
2012, fresh from my Yoga Teacher Training and basking in a Melbournian summer with friends, I was no longer drinking, no longer looking for love in the wrong places. I was happy to be feeling aware of all the things I had been trying to cover up were starting to get restless, and I was summoning up the courage to face them all.
They were starting to peak out from under the layers they were buried. The shadows from the times I had betrayed myself, let myself down, gave my power away – the ugly trials and tribulations wanted my acknowledgement.
So the scariest journey I’d taken to date involved giving myself permission to dig up the skeletons of the past, to look at the bones and begin to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
One by one I held them into the light, with shaky hands, tears in my eyes and sincerity in my voice I began to say ‘thank you’ for the lessons those bones gave me. I asked myself for forgiveness, gave it and lovingly put them to rest.
Interestingly, just when I thought I had completed one skeleton, a bony finger would begin to pull at my hair when I’d least expect it – and if I showed anger at it, it would point even more firmly reminding me that I was only scolding at myself.
Oh the conversation you begin to have with yourself on the journey to recovery!!
But to listen – to hear the critical voice of self-judgement, self-loathing – for the first time I realised the conflict I was experiencing was with myself.
So I peeled back the layers even further.
I cut my hair right back so that my authentic Wild Woman hair, an obvious part of my rich Sicilian lineage would be revealed and I’d had to re-friend her, ask her for guidance – no longer did I want to seek stimulation or approval from any thing outside of me.
I called on my ancestors, I called on Divine – ‘thank you for showing me the way…’ and the way would present itself, I just needed to put one foot in front of the other and trust.
This ‘training ground’ of self-recovery continues to inspire me. It has shaped my daily ritual of prayer into regular meditation where I practice the art of listening. In turn, this intimate relationship with self, helps me to refine my energy to my Divine nature. I begin to experience the love of self that Divine has for me.
After all, we are all Divine experiencing itself as a human for a little while.
- I’ve learnt that in letting go of what you ‘think’ you want, gives you permission to hear what your hearts mission is.
- When you stop looking outside of yourself for that next fix, that next healing, that next piece of advice, you begin to develop trust in your own capabilities.
- You begin to realise that you are enough and that you do understand the unique message that only you have for the world.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
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